I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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