Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i will never coherently bang her
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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