OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
