Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
