he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
