smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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