He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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