Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
