Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize