Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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