I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
