ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
