I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
