Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
