and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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