You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
