I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
