So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
