She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
