Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
