so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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