Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
