and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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