My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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