dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
