There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
