A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
