I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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