hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize