I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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