if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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