i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
