that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize