I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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