my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
