was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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