also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
