Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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