Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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