I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize