I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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