When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
