apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Randomize
