We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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