is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
