someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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