We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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