i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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