White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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