why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
