He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Your cock deserves a montage
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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