i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
