the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
