So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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