dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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