Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
