im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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