Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
